Phaytea’s Pulse is participating in the A to Z Challenge for April 2018. The Theme is ‘Building and Sustaining a Meaningful Relationship’ and ‘Dealing with Doubt in Relationships’ is our entry for letter D. This challenge will run for 26 days in April except Sundays. Please stop by the blog daily for subsequent posts as we read the letters of the alphabet together. Enjoy.
I always wonder what goes on in the mind of a bride or groom-to-be when it’s close to the wedding day and they talk about having cold feet. Not to discredit how they feel at that moment, but I almost always pray out loud that it is just them feeling nervous and it has nothing to do with Doubt. If anything, days to the wedding is a dire period to talk about having doubts.
If you have been in a position where you had to advice a friend who is having doubts concerning a relationship he/she is in, you will know that it is difficult for you to talk about just as it for the party involved.
Doubt is a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction and dealing with doubt in a relationship can be nerve racking. It simply makes you feel tensed and worried over an issue. It is even worse when you do not talk about the issue you are uneasy about.
Doubts keeps you emotionally unstable and this situation does not allow you be at your best/give your best in a relationship.
Having doubts in a Relationship is not abnormal as most relationships start off that way. You decide to be friends without knowing 100% about a person, you have your doubts, you discuss them and gradually you get a clearer picture of what this ‘potential partner’ is about.
This does not mean all your doubts are cleared at once. Issues will come up that might make you have doubts, but you shoukd talk about them just to get a clear picture. Life is a risk and so are most relationships we go into. Doubts can be cleared to an acceptable extent and both party can put in effort to show commitment.
Being committed confirms you have a conviction and that is what urges you to start a relationship anyway, but what happens when you are deep into a relationship then you start having doubts again?
It is important to have a relationship where trust is not shaky. In a case whereby trust is absent, the most irrelevant things can trigger doubt. A relationship based of constant suspicion, intentional distrust, worry, unsettled disputes and unfulfilled expectations can definitely nit thrive. Individuals react differently in relationships but here are some general reasons why one can have doubts:
- Sudden change in routine.
- Little acts that you think do not add up.
- Constantly making up excuses for your partner.
- Change in behaviour
- Lack of attention or less of it.
Dealing With Doubt
Unless we are conscious about our thought process, it might be difficult to fight off vague thoughts that could make us have doubts about our relationship.
- Do not try to suppress your thoughts. – A lot of people want to be the perfect partner and then consciously avoid glaring signs. This is not the right way to handle doubt. Think about it but not aggressively especially if you only have speculations.
- Make a list of things you have doubts about – Thinking about your doubts might open doors to more signs and taking in so much unpleasant information is not healthy. You can write them down so that at presentation, you sound precise. When it is written down, you can clearly evaluate the issue at hand and monitor what deserves a reaction and what doesn’t.
- If it is uncomfortable for You, then you should talk about it – Will this thought always affect your happiness in the long run? How long can you hold in your doubts? Your happiness should always be paramount and this is why you must never ignore or suppress your feelings. If you feel bad about something, plan to talk about it. Going about wearing a grudge never helps a relationship. A common mistake is expecting your partner to know what is wrong, make it easy for ‘you’ by actually talking about your doubts. Talk to your partner, talk to a counsellor or a trusted friend.
- Can the issues be solved easily? Is anyone willing to change? Doubts are just doubts until you consciously make an effort to clear the air. Try to reach a consensus regarding the issue on ground. Who should make the changes, will there be a compromise, will there be a system for accountability? Avoid being defensive and listen to understand.
What is your deal breaker?
Doubts do not only affect romantic relationships. Relationship between friends, family, colleagues etc are also plagued with doubt but the gravity of the issue at hand mostly determines how it is dealt with.
The pointers above can suffice but never sweep your doubts under the carpet. Talk about them and clear the air. It is important for your mental health and peace of mind.
Share you thoughts
What do you do when doubts creep in?
What is your deal breaker?
I will love to read from you