Meaningful Living

Journeying Through Jealousy In A Relationship

Phaytea’s Pulse is participating in the A to Z Challenge for April 2018. The Theme is Building and Sustaining a Meaningful Relationship and ‘Journeying Through Jealousy In A Relationship’ is our entry for letter J. This challenge will run for 26 days. Please stop by the blog daily for subsequent posts.

A good number of people including myself seem to think that a little jealousy in a relationship is healthy. Apparently, it feels good to know that your partner does not want to lose you. You know that feeling right?

Well, do we really know when we start to cross the line? According to wikipedia, Jealousy is an emotion and it generally refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, concern and envy over lack of possession or status.

In the context of a relationship, jealousy keeps you constantly insecure, scared, suspicious, angry and unhappy. Whether male or female, jealousy (especially if uncontrolled) is not a healthy emotion and can be a catalyst that speeds up the destruction of a relationship in nano seconds.

To be very honest, an extremely jealous partner becomes unattractive with time because it is an emotion that overshadows your good qualities. In the moment of irate jealousy, you are spurred to do and say things that you usually wouldn’t say. It overtakes your sense of reasoning and this is not attractive to your partner or unlookers that are privy to your display.

This subtly reminds me of some episodes off Skinny Girl in Transit where Mide wanted Tiwa to sit on the other side of the table because other men were staring at her while they had drinks. There was also a scene where Mide had to unexpectedly join Tiwa to jog one morning because she had casually mentioned she met a guy while jogging the previous day.

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The scenario above are cute cases of mild and healthy jealousy, it also brings us to the first way to deal with jealousy:

Mark your territory without showing insecurity.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting people know who you are in a relationship with. If you are present in your partner’s activities, people will know and hopefully back off. This means that you may not have to face awkward situations like confronting a person who is making advances at your partner.

Show up for your partner at the gym and jokingly say you do not want any instructor taking the honour, accompany your partner to his/her office event just so that his/her colleagues know that you are active in your partner’s activities. Basically, do not overlook being available for eachother socially .

There are lots of subtle ways to mark your territory but never tow the line of being disrespectful or domineering. It may cost you the person you so much wish to protect.

Discuss Boundaries.

There are few things more awkward than watching your partner do something you do not approve of, especially if you think it is disrespectful and it is being done in public.

However, the question is, does your partner know you find his/her actions disrespectful? Does your partner know what kind of things hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable?

I watched an episode of love lounge last night and a guest on the show narrated a story. She was at the club with some of her friends and boyfriend at the time, took some minutes to use the restroom and returned to find her boyfriend dancing too close to a lady she did not know. Her friends were watching as well and the sight was clearly uncomfortable for her.

Bottom line, she did not go on a rage but clearly stated her boundaries much later. She also got to find out the lady was a long time friend from school.

Are you still stalling on discussing boundaries with your partner? You may be faced head on with a worse situation and that will give room for jealousy to creep in.

Jealousy

Trust your Partner.

Trust has been used loosely and also compromised in some cases but it is still one of the basic requirement for a rock solid relationship. Trust your partner to make decisions that will not mar what you both share.

On the other hand, stay away from constant interrogation. It keeps both party uncomfortable and in the long what you strongly fear might happen. Instead, learn to communicate freely, share your schedule, help each other pick outfits, talk to each other while apart e.t.c

Self Esteem

Have you ever had to deal with a person who has low self esteem?

It is not the prettiest of sight. From having to go on a guilt trip, to constantly explaining yourself, to being made to feel like you want to compete all the time e.t.c. It is so exhausting and low self esteem from any of the partner can knock off the boat before it even starts to sail.

As an individual, building your self esteem keeps jealousy at bay in more ways than one. Work at being a better person, develop yourself, hone your skills, live a healthy lifestyle, make your partner proud of you, what are your achievements? do you practise self-love? how do you stay busy? how do you stay relevant? Are you resourceful?

Relationships tends to bloom when the couple are doing well financially, emotionally and career wise. Moreover, when you hold yourself in high regard, there will be less time to compare yourself or your relationship with others. You basically are the standard.

Know your reality and how to manage it.

It has been said over and over that no relationship is exactly the same. There is also no such thing as a perfect relationship because every couple have one issue or the other to deal with. This is why your favourite ‘couple goal’ on social media can be separated or divorce unexpectedly.

Instead of gawking over someone else’s relationship that seems perfect or comparing yours to others, find out what really grinds your gears (in your relationship) and work towards making things better.

Are the signs too glaring too ignore?

Is it continuous?

Have you had enough?

What arguments havevyou come up with?

Have a civil conversation, work on your emotions, work on your expectations, are you being overbearing, is anyone being insensitive in the relationship, clear negativity off your thought process.

What should you and your partner do more or less of? Jealousy really does get in the way of beautiful relationships and most times it could have been easily sorted without a shouting match or embarrassing situations.

Everyone (male and female) gets jealous at some point in a relationship but you can find your way back by learning how to manage your emotions and communicate effectively.

Share your thoughts

Do you for a tiny bit ever get Jealous?

How do you handle Jealousy?

I will love to read from you

Evolving

4 Comments

  • Jennifer

    I disagree on the “marking territory” part, especially the gym or similar places like that. Don’t hone in on your partner’s activities unless you are asked. Maybe the gym (or something similar) is the one place they like to go to get away from it all and to find their own space, even from the relationship. If you invite yourself to the gym instead of waiting to be invited or even asking if you can join them, then you are pushing yourself into their space and that might cause a real problem in the relationship.

    • Phaytea

      Hi hi….. I guess it’s different strokes then but I do understand your point.

      I for one will think it’s sweet for my partner to show up unexpectedly at the gym where I work out or anywhere else if he gets a hang of my whereabout… I definitely won’t see that as encroaching.

      It’s a thoughtful gesture unless of course he/she has an ulterior motive and starts to make me feel uncomfortable by displaying insecure behaviour.

      Then again, I believe that if one wants some alone time (away from relationship or family), one would be wise enough to say ‘hey babe, I’ll be at the gym just to get some me time’

      Marking your territory in this context is simply being significantly interested and available in your partner’s activities and definitely not policing your partner because you are insecure.

      The last line in the ‘Mark your territory’ heading explains this

      Thank you for contributing Jennifer. I just thought wider because of your comment. ☺

  • Christine

    Great article! I agree with Jennifer though. Randomly showing up to the gym seems like a jealous move to me! Especially while making a joke about being jealous. 😳

    • Phaytea

      Hahaha….. 🤣🤣🤣 what’s happening to everyone???? You don’t like a random harmless visit from your partner???

      Thanks for reading Christine💗

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