I am sorry….not sorry
Hi hi
It’s raining this morning and I like…. How do you feel when it rains? If you haven’t read ‘Can you stand the rain?, you definitely should. Did you have a good week? Mine turned out nice except for one ‘not so good’ experience.
So i recently had an encounter that suddenly threw me off track. I was hurt but a few tears and venting to the right person got me back on track. Bottom line, I finally got an apology but then…is that it?
Well, i am not asking for chocolates and roses (which isn’t a bad idea by the way) to go with an apology but personally, apologies don’t count anymore when it’s ‘too repetitive’. First, it means I can’t take you seriously anymore and secondly I adjust to your uncouth nature and care less about your feelings. Do you know what they say about the person who cares the least?
The need to talk about mindfulness when relating with other people comes up again because …Why spew trash from your mouth when you are most likely to eat up your words and apologise?
In my opinion if you have something in common with another person (church, relationship, work, gym etc) other than just casual greetings, then you should be mindful of every conversation.
In reality there’s no escaping being hurt and hurting people. This happens a lot and if your compassionate side functions well, both parties find a way to set things off on the right track again.
To do so, the easiest and most ‘go to’ form of reconciliation is saying ‘I am Sorry’. Oh well..it soothens your anger, you feel better and all that good stuff. However, we are human and we err but if a person keeps faltering and then offers an apology continuously, it definitely won’t hold water anymore.
This doesn’t go to say apologising isn’t encouraged. It is encouraged and I admire people who do not mind being the first to apologise. Keep pride aside, be the mature one and sincerely apologise.
What worries me is those that apologise to you then hurt you after two days then apologise and hurt you again. How is that okay? The emotional abuse is unhealthy and should not be encouraged.
For the purpose of tendering a proper apology even if it’s reoccurring, I’ll like to share five ways you can make apologies acceptable. I have realised that I forgive easily if an apology comes in any of this form:
- Apologise and accept responsibility.
Nothing irks like apologising and then indirectly passing blame to the person being apologised to. There are ways to this, apologise and do the blame game later (that’s is, if you have to).
Do not apologise and try to pass the blame, it creates a foul mood and takes back your effort to zero.
- Apologise in public.
This isn’t too common but if you embarrass someone in the presence of his/her colleagues, then it’s best to tender an apology in the same manner with others present.
It’s is more likely to be accepted without grudges.
- Apologise and offer to fix damages.
Saying ‘I am sorry’ really doesn’t fix anything. If you hurt someone and just apologise literally, nothing really has been done.
Take it a bit further by offering to make amends. Ask for ideas or proffer solutions to make things better.
This way, the necessary precautions are taken to make sure such occurrence does not repeat itself.
- Apologise and be accountable.
I like to refer to this as ‘sentencing yourself’ while you apologise.
In this case, you apologise and give yourself a ‘sentence’ just incase you err again. It shows you are being sincere and willing to put yourself ‘in check’.
You probably wouldn’t be tempted to misbehave once you remember you already gave yourself a penalty.
- Apologise and include your partners love language.
I had to include this for those in a relationship. If you have read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman then you already have an idea about ‘love language’.
In my opinion, It’s the action/gesture that your partner deeply appreciates and it has the natural tendency to make him/her feel elated.
I have read that to improve relationships, both partners must know each other’s love language. Do you know your love language or your partner’s?
The 5 love languages are:
- Words of Affimation
- Gifts
- Attention/Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
Basically, when you apologise to your partner, go the extra mile and work around his/her love language. It is a genuine way of showing you are remorseful and you intend to build a better relationship.
I am nowhere close to being a relationship guru but if you are going to apologise then it should be believable. A good apology should show you regret your actions, accept responsibility and will be willing to make things right.
On the other hand, accept apologies, give second chances but it is really your individual choice and situations that determines your decision.
Share your thoughts Lovelies.
Do you find it easy to apologise even if you are wrong?
Would you rather accept a gift instead of an actual apology?
What are your preferences when it comes to accepting apology?
I’ll love to read from you
Love, Peace and Cupcakes
Phaytea???
Pictures| pixabay
17 Comments
fancypaperblog
I find that recently I quite like the rain. I agree that apologies are neccessary too.
amindfultravellerblog
Apologising is indeed a hard act to do, but completely necessary. Thank you for explaining the 5 love languages Faith. ?
Shallow Reflections
You raise some excellent points. A sincere apology should result in a change in behavior not a succession of repetitive offenses followed by more apologies. I always have an uncomfortable feeling that I can’t shake when I need to apologize. It feels so much better when I’ve admitted my mistake and I make amends as soon as I can with a plan to change behavior.
Lutheranliar
Hmmmm. If someone continues to hurt me, even if he/she apologizes (sorry for the alternate spelling; I’m a Yank), I excise this person from my acquaintance. My glass is always more than half full — so it has no room for toxic people.
Carol ("Mimi")
Words are cheap, but actions speak louder than words. A person who hurts you over and over again, even if they apologize every time, is not someone you want to continue to associate with.
Lots of good thoughts in this article! Thanks.
The Real Reality Show Blog
Well put. Personal relationships are collaborations with your partners whether they may be life partner, work partner, project partner, hobbie partner or so on. Every connection is a partnership toward a goal and every misstep derails the journey. Words cannot put a train on a track. Likewise, correcting course cannot be done without talking about it. It takes words and actions to grow together. Either alone will alone foster growth apart.
chelf
I absolutely agree, saying ‘I am sorry’ really doesn’t fix anything unless you go the extra mile and try to do some damage control. I cant remember the last time i enjiyed reading a post so much! Really honest and real! Thank you for sharing
Ritu
I’m beginning to hate the word sorry… it’s never used genuinely nowadays….
Lisa Orchard
I find apologizing and changing my behavior to make sure I don’t offend again go a long way in maintaining a healthy relationships. This is a great post. Thanks for sharing it and reminding me of this. ?
Gabe Burkhardt
As a househusband, I find that this is one of the few skills I’ve embraced with surprising grace and expertise. A sincere and meaningful apology saves many a dreary night (and usually responsibility for dirty dishes ;))
fattymccupcakes
I love that you talk about mindfulness! As an educator, that’s a huge passion of mine ☺️.
Daphne DuMariner.
I’ve always struggled to apologise. I recognise the importance and significance, but it really is so incredibly tough.
To apologise means to admit you’re wrong. To admit you’re wrong means you stuffed up, you’re not perfect. And after years of conditioning to expect perfection from myself, that tough to admit, and then admit to someone else.
In saying that, this year has been my year. The year to open up and be vulnerable and admit I’m not a robot.
Wish me luck!
thebeasley
I’d prefer a genuine apology to a gift any day. I really respect people that apologise & take responsibility for their own actions. We are only human & sometimes make mistakes. It’s how you deal with it that matters.
Haley
Like you say.. it totally depends on the person! And how well you know them. I don’t think gifts make a difference for me in an apology, I like to think I can read people and feel the sincereness when it’s there. And then watching how the act to you after is a huge tell as well!a lot of great points in this post, loved it!
ellenbest24Ellen Best
An appology if given in the truest form, contrite and from the heart is acceptable. But we often teach our children to say the word and not explain the meaning. Therefore it isn’t surprising if as adultsthey come unstuck. Great post.
John M
I agree with you, say sorry then go ahead and fix things.
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